This message from Colignon Porc-Épic as he explores the human experience:
'I am drunk!
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Check out volignon.porcepic.bloig.spot./coom all the time!'
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Monday, February 18, 2008
CNN is Still Not News
Colignon Porc-Épic has analyzed the new days' top CNN.com headlines.
Of 22 top headlines, only 12 are actually news, accounting for a shockingly relevant 54%.
My personal favorite headline of today is 'Spooked cat turns up 300 miles from home,' which was actually a video which I actually watched because I am no better than anyone else CNN panders to. The rough story is that this cat, Miko (who, incidentally, looks about as vaguely evil as this thing
(see below)) ran away from home and headed for Pueblo, Colorado which I will guess, from the headline, is around 300 miles from where it started.
This whole story is told to us by the cat's owner who is a very attractive brunette girl wearing a tie, and a female news anchor who is equally attractive but blonde. These two attractive women are strikingly similar looking and I am convinced that they are the same person, since they look the same and we never see them in the same shot at the same time.
Eventually we lose the touching story and we learn about how great it is that cats have microchips in their necks, and everyone seems really excited about microchips, like that woman in the picture there is flipping out about her ugly dog (and future purse!).
So in the end, 'Spooked cat turns up 300 miles from home,' turned out to be yet another case of CNN using curious headlines and cute girls to promote its fascist, futurist agenda.
Of 22 top headlines, only 12 are actually news, accounting for a shockingly relevant 54%.
My personal favorite headline of today is 'Spooked cat turns up 300 miles from home,' which was actually a video which I actually watched because I am no better than anyone else CNN panders to. The rough story is that this cat, Miko (who, incidentally, looks about as vaguely evil as this thing
(see below)) ran away from home and headed for Pueblo, Colorado which I will guess, from the headline, is around 300 miles from where it started.This whole story is told to us by the cat's owner who is a very attractive brunette girl wearing a tie, and a female news anchor who is equally attractive but blonde. These two attractive women are strikingly similar looking and I am convinced that they are the same person, since they look the same and we never see them in the same shot at the same time.
Eventually we lose the touching story and we learn about how great it is that cats have microchips in their necks, and everyone seems really excited about microchips, like that woman in the picture there is flipping out about her ugly dog (and future purse!).
So in the end, 'Spooked cat turns up 300 miles from home,' turned out to be yet another case of CNN using curious headlines and cute girls to promote its fascist, futurist agenda.
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Places I've Been With Google Street View: Kansas City
Kansas City is the largest city on the Kansas-Missouri border, and contrary to popular belief, most of it is in Missouri! Now, I've never been to Kansas City, but I know it pretty well thanks to Google Maps' great new feature 'Street View'. Let's dig in!Kansas City starts at 946 Main St., which I assumed would be Town Hall or something since I just entered 'Kansas City' and it gave me that. Boy, was I wrong. Unless, of course, Town Hall in Kansas City is a CVS Pharmacy. I decided to head South down Main Street, towards what looked like a skybridge. In general, downtown Kansas City was a lot like other American cities: blocky, gray, tall, empty, purportedly-crime-and-obviously-pharmacy-ridden, and frozen in time. Who knew?
There are a lot of trees in Kansas City, but they are all far apart and their branches are sparse and browning. It is always 11:20 in the morning. People wear suits when they go to work and a company named Turner seems to own everything.
Pretty soon, Main Street ended and I found myself at H & R Block Way. H & R Block? Could it be? Here, in Kansas City of all places -- had I found the nexus of the tax preparation universe? The prime H & R Block which all other H & R Blocks report to? I imagined a true mecca of banking, personal finance and business consulting services. What I imagined was a giant green block, ten times the size of a normal city block, and of course, ten times as high. 'Follow H & R Block Way,' sang the sweet, fat denizens of Kansas City, 'and you'll find the emerald block -- and inside, a Wizard, Alan Bennett, who will grant all your wishes.'
Alas, I never found that Wizard. Instead I found a part of Kansas City that just looked shitty and under construction. For a while. I decided to take my chances, and jump to the nearest street with a funny name. Unfortunately, there is nothing funny about Kansas City, so I picked the Jay B. DIllingham Memorial Highway. According to Wikipedia, Jay Dillingham's grandfather was the only sherriff of Platte County, Missouri ever to be killed while on duty... and that was in 1900! Grow some balls, Platte County.
Actually, the neighborhood I ended up visiting, 8th St., just off the JBD's crazy highway, did in fact, seem to have balls. Or at least, lots of pick up trucks, and a kick ass mural that showed people playing soccer and Mormon folk saving kids from floods. I really liked this mural, because it also showed the Virgin of Guadalupe, the Mexican flag, another Virgin of Guadalupe, a bunch of flowers, and a cactus. Actually, those probably weren't Mormons at all, but Mexicans. Who knew Kansas City had either? Actually, Kansas City has a spicy latin flavor, as far as I can tell from the mural and no other evidence at all.
In Kansas City, numerous minority groups live happily, side by side. The people in this neighborhood were very different from the soulless whites I saw downtown. These people had houses, not businesses, and seemed to come from a variety of backgrounds. The chicano groove of 8th street quickly gave way to the crunchy lull of Vermont Ave., which I assume is where a number of Vermonter refugees have settled, hence the name. I originally thought Vermont Ave. might bring me to Vermont, but this was proved wrong when I headed East and ended up in a park. I might have thought it was the Green Mountains but there's no barbed wire fence around the Green Mountains.
Leaving the city on I-70, or the George Brett Super Highway, I thought back on the sights and sounds of Kansas City, and wondered what I would miss the most. Speed limits with minimums? The 'Lewis and Clark Viaduct'? Adorable billboards? The eerie feeling that nothing around me was moving? The sun, permamently affixed in the sky even though my computer clock read 2 AM? I'll always wonder.
I was a little disappointed not only about the H & R Block thing, but also that I didn't get any barbecue, blues, greeting cards, Walt Disney, or 1985 World Series Champs the Royals.
Street View petered out somewhere around Grain Valley, MO, but I carry parts of Kansas City close to my heart and seared into my eyes, to this very day.
Kansas City, Missouri
Near as I could tell,
Population, 17
94.1% White
5.9% White Hispanic
Weather patterns: Sunny, always
CNN is Not News
Colignon Porc-Épic has today analyzed the top headlines of CNN.com.Of the 16 top headlines on CNN.com, six are not news.
These include 'Woman's living hell: "I am not dead" ' and 'Pennies saved earn $10.7 million'.
This message from Colignon Porc-Épic:
'Of today's CNN.com top headlines, many are NOT NEWS. While I recognize the curious value of dead-not-dead legal shenanigans, and I see value in teaching people the value of pennies (1 cent per penny, 2 cents per two pennies, and so on), CNN has failed once again to ensure that it's top headlines are all news. Incidentally, I did not watch the video associated with "Woman's living hell" but I don't think it would be news to find out that CNN has a correspondent assigned to hell, or any other quasi-fictional places.'
ColignonPorcEpic.blogspot.com Launched!
Today, January 3rd, is the official launch day of Colignon Porc-Épic's new web-blog, ColignonPorcEpic.blogspot.com!
ColignonPorcEpic.blogspot.com is now the best place on the interweb to learn more and keep up to date on Colignon Porc-Épic, his works, and his life.
Colignon Porc-Épic HIMSELF will be updating this web-blog regularly, and you can be sure that here at ColignonPorcEpic.blogspot.com you can expect the same insight, analysis, and trendy wit that Mr. Porc-Épic offers each day in true life.
Let's embark together on the adventure that is life, Earthonauts!
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